1. Wife: “You need to dress for the job you want.”
Me: “I am. Independently wealthy, owner of a mini-storage facility.”
3. Kids get an incredible amount of joy from having Reddi-wip shot directly into their mouths.
5. I don’t know how to explain it to my dog, but he needs someone to tell him a simple fact. If he steals and eats my entire breakfast croissant off the kitchen table, I will NOT feed him dinner that night.