Good explanations are the start of good parenting, I think.

This is valuing how to think over what to think.

Let’s just not be surprised that when we teach our children critical thinking, and the joy of bucking the status quo, that they don’t eventually cause a stir here and there.

They may even call us out for poor thinking now and again too.

And let’s hope that good explanations eventually internalize the good behavior we seek.

Reasoning does create a paradox: it leads both to more rule following and more rebelliousness. By explaining moral principles, parents encourage their children to comply voluntarily with rules that align with important values and to question rules that don’t. Good explanations enable children to develop a code of ethics that often coincides with societal expectations; when they don’t square up, children rely on the internal compass of values rather than the external compass of rules.

-Adam Grant, Originals

Teenage rules and consequences are such a tricky thing, aren’t they?

As a parent you want guardrails for your children, rules for which they need to follow.

But how you you give a teenager a rule and consequence that encourages compliance, rather than rebellion?

The key is to make them internalize it.

In short, they have to do it it because they want to, not because a threat hangs over them.

Read up on persuasion here. And here.

Understand: Persuasion expert Robert Cialdini agrees with me on this.

If parents do believe in enforcing a lot of regulations, the way they explain them matters a great deal. New research shows that teenagers defy rules when they’re enforced in a controlling manner, by yelling or threatening punishment. When mothers enforce many rules but offer a clear rationale for why they’re important, teenagers are substantially less likely to break them, because they internalize them.

-Adam Grant, Originals