Sterling Terrell

recovering economist

Consequences > Punishment

Consequences > Punishment

I think that consequences work better than punishment because of something plain and simple.

Consequences can change internal behavior.

Punishment is likely to only change external behavior.

I am speaking here on parenting specifically, but I am sure than this is part of a broader discussion.

Said different, it is one thing to change what a person does or does not do. It is another thing entirely to change their hearts.

Understand: Behavior change happens with long-term commitment – not short-term compliance.

We see punishment as the parent deliberately depriving a child for a set period of time or inflicting pain on him, in order to teach that child a lesson. Consequences, on the other hand, come about as a natural result of the child’s behavior.

-Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (Amazon)

Not Making Our Kids Our Victims Or Our Enemies

Not Making Our Kids Our Victims Or Our Enemies

I am all on board with this theory, especially in the context of close relationships.

I mean, this is better than the alternative. Right? Right.

Good? Good.

But can we admit that this is rarely how it goes? Most family’s struggle with this at one level or the other.

Frankly, it’s hard to not struggle with this if you have children under the age of 22.

Let’s just love em through it.

There is an important message built into this approach. It says, “When there is conflict between us, we no longer have to mobilize our forces against each other and worry about who will emerge victorious and who will go down in defeat. Instead, we can put our energy into searching for the kinds of solutions that respect both our needs as individuals.” We are teaching our children that they needn’t be our victims or our enemies. We are giving them the tools that will enable them to be active participants in solving the problems that confront them—now, while they’re at home, and in the difficult, complex world that awaits them.

-Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (Amazon)

Sterling Terrell